##  Some interim thoughts and sideline parts of the adventure: not emailed
##  anywhere, just pounded into this text file as relevant a few days later

In retrospect, the Florida run before this was somewhat due to the impression
I had gotten that Mom was being held in the nursing facility more or less
against her will, as she was doing her own routine management, transfers to
get to the bathroom, eating, tooling around the area in the wheelchair, etc.
She didn't seem to need the extra care, and was concerned that bills were
piling up at home and that imposing on her neighbors to bring all the mail
in had gone on too long.

So back in August, I was going to be the knight in somewhat shiny grey-painted
armor to sail in and rescue her out of there.  It was agreed under the caveat
that I would be her "stunt caretaker" for at least a couple of weeks while we
sought more permanent "private-duty" third-party care providers to visit in
to the house and help deal with tasks beyond her sole ability.

What I didn't know was that the rehab team did have further plans for her,
to improve strength and ability, and I had sort of snatched her away out
from under them before they could finish.  On *this* trip, they mildly chided
me about that, saying "well, she didn't stay here long enough" to complete
the program they'd worked up.

So now I'm letting them do their thing.

There are a couple of other sideline things to take care of.  One is, her
prepaid phone, which evidently has to go through *another* cycle of upgrade
as the 3G networks slowly get shut down in favor of 4/5G now.  Last time was
my first-ever adventure into Android, the challenge being to take the small
smartphone they sent to replace the old simple flip, from a "smart" phone and
rip it down into a "dumb" phone by disabling and hiding apps and nonessential
features.  I managed to reduce the home screen UX to two buttons: the phone,
and the general Apps launcher.  That was simple enough for Mom to deal with --
she knew how to power on, get the dial up, and make a call.  She was to take
that with her on bicycle rides, in case she had a spill or collision and
needed to call someone.  It did get used once or twice, and also in a couple
of situations where she had to be away from home for a while, so having that
was useful.

So in this upgrade cycle I went on the website and ordered another very
basic phone, which eventually showed up and I went through the same process.
This was now up to Android 10, and was pretty easy now that I knew what to
do.  Now it's down to ONE button, the "phone" icon, located right over the
same position that the "bring up the dial" button is in the phone app so it's
mnemonic that you tap twice there to get the dialpad.  And this version even
allowed flat-out disabling of *all* the Google garbage, which was nice.

The remaining question was how long Mom would still need a cell, as she's not
out running around anymore, and in fact has a campus-extension landline in
her nursing-area room and doesn't need it there either.  Cell signal in most
parts of the campus is generally wretched -- T-Mobile in particular has *never*
improved their tower infrastructure around here to make *my* life easier; I
have to go out on the back porch at the house to have any hope of carrying a
conversation on my cell.  When I'm in the house, I set "conditional forwarding
when unavailable" and just airplane the damn thing when I walk in the door,
and then it forwards to the landline -- much better audio path.


##  Now, back to random selected email exchanges.  First few were triggered
##  by one of several list-unsubscribe links I visited; on one I had maybe
##  prematurely offered a reason of "deceased", and the list maintainer --
##  an old friend and spiritual kindred-spirit of my Mom, replied to that
##  effecively with "oh no!  tell me more" so later, I had to explain.


Date: Mon, 12 Sep 2022 19:23:03 -0500
Subject: Re: Unsubscribe Notification for mailing list
From:  [old acquaintance #1 of my mother from way back]

Hello again, sort of.  I don't know if we ever met back in the NJ days; I
was mostly off doing my own thing in Boston by then.  Anyway, I think I might
have jumped the gun a bit on my unsubscribe request, that yes, I indeed put
in because I've taken over all of Mom's email and other [minimal] computer
activities.

You see, it's been a crazy week.  Last weekend, like before Labor Day, she had
a weird "episode", and was found the next morning barely responsive, unable
to really move or talk, hunched over in a wheelchair and barely breathing.
The medics ruled out stroke or heart trouble or the other usual things that
might strike down a 92-year-old, best they could come up with was a vague
"seizure".  Anyway, rushed off to the hospital and about four days later,
with her still basically not responding to questions or commands by all
reports, I signed off on putting her into hospice, figuring that this was
likely the end even if it was being drawn out a bit.  I'm her PoA, proxy,
co-trustee, etc etc from way back, so all this is up to me...

But sorry for the alarm, she is [miraculously] still alive.  And the afternoon
I arrived from Boston and went straight to the hospice house where she is at
the moment, I was totally surprised to find her unexpectedly lucid and
something like "herself" again.  I really expected to find an empty bag-of-
mostly-water shell with no spark of my Mom left in it, but she recognized me
and we talked at length and while she's really weak and a bit confused, it's
still basically her.

But she hasn't been happy with her quality of life recently, with the creeping
leg neuropathy and mobility loss, and the rapidly increasing threat of losing
ability to live independently.  This is a blow for anyone -- after a few
other reminders, too.  Last time I was down I sold off her car, got rid of the
old bicycles, we shipped the knitwear off to a place that can auction it, and
I brought all the tarot decks home.  So that was phase 1 of disposing of her
life, even while she's still living.  Maybe that and me going back home [I
had to] for the nonce triggered whatever happened, not sure.  Anyway, I'm back
in FL for *another* month or so, I guess, and rather than start on estate
paperwork I'm having to live this "purgatory" of hospice with her and manage
stuff at the house.  The powers that be are trying to come up with ways to
*not* kick her to the curb, but the hospice place is not a long-term living
facility.  I'm not at my wits' end yet, but this is enough bizarre circumstance
to drive anybody bugfuck.

Sorry about the confusion, hopefully this clears things up for now..

_H*

##


Date: Mon, 12 Sep 2022 23:21:58 -0400
From:  [old acquaintance #2 of my mother from way back]
Cc: [acq #1]
Subject: Your Mom

     [Acquaintance #1] sent me a copy of your email today. I was also one
of the members of the Full Moon Circle back in NJ. I adored your mother. I
live in [location] now and haven't seen her for several years. I've thought
of her often and was thinking about giving her a call but didn't. Now, of
course, it's too late.

     It was through her that I came to Feminist Spirituality. In 1987 I
went to a NOW Conference. I forget now where it was. But a feminist book
store had put up a stand in the shopping area. That's where I found your
Mom's book about rituals. I wondered if women really did those things. I
asked a friend I thought would know, and she told me about the Full Moon
Circle in NJ. I went and discovered that the author of the book was a member
of that circle! Eventually, we began a private circle that met in each
other's homes. Your mother was a treasured member of that circle.

     At that time my name was [different], my spiritual name.  If you see her
and she's lucid, please tell her that I miss her and love her very much.

     Since you mentioned something in your email about her not being able
to live independently, I think that it is likely that your dad predeceased
her. When I was thinking of calling her I was going to ask how he was
doing. I suppose he's gone. If that is the case, I'm sorry for that.

     My hope for your Mom is that she lives more years as independently as
she can, and that those years are happy and as productive as possible. My
wish for you is that the burden is not too heavy, and also that you live a
good and happy life.

Sincerely,

##


Date: Tue, 13 Sep 2022 13:59:49 -0500
Subject: Re: Your Mom
From: hobbit

Great to hear from both of you.  I think I dimly remember attending some of
the events back then; one in particular might have had something to do with
overnighting on top of a local "mountain"/hill?  Or was that some other group.

So Mom's not entirely out of the picture yet, and although two days ago we
all thought death's door was near, she seems to be bouncing back a bit.  A
psychologist brought in to evaluate her seems to think she could be back in
her normal "independent" home, but living in a relatively non-independent
way with hired-in care.  With the right people and equipment present, the
building any of this takes place in doesn't really matter, and she's become
rather attached to this house [which is a detached dwelling on the campus
of the retirement facility she's been in for ~ 5 years].  The place also has
on-site nursing level care but she really doesn't want that, and has been
sort of reluctant about pursuing viable options otherwise.

Yes, my dad passed before and I helped with clearing out that old house and
the move to the new facility.  Me, I've been living in the Boston area for
30-plus years now, pretty happy there.  I like shoveling snow, and there's
plenty of nature with fun elevations to scale fairly nearby.  My main web
site is  http://techno-fandom.org/~hobbit/   with lots of geeky tech content,
but recently I set one up for Mom to help her release a bunch of her hitherto
unpublished stuff.

So I stopped by the hospice place today and passed on your words, and told
Mom that various people are pulling for her.  Since she's not actually down
with a terminal condition, the hospice house sort of wants her out of there
and into some more long-term facility.  Lots of decisions have to be made,
many on my part, and even from 1500 miles away I'm still going to be an
integral part of this whole process.  Fortunately we now have the internet
and all the online stuff we can do, which if set up correctly makes it easier.

I should be in this area for most of this month, I imagine, because whatever
happens it's not going to be overnight.  92-year-old bodies just don't heal
up and get stronger that fast.

_H*


##
##  And on a couple of different fronts ...
##


Date: Wed, 14 Sep 2022 07:30:28 -0500
To: [Society for Barefoot Living mailing list, see barefooters.org]
Subject: Barebanking

With a subject line like that, what would you first think the topic actually
was?  Being naked inside financial institutions?  A typo for riding a horse
without a saddle?  Well, closer on the first one..

My mother and I are co-participants in a financial setup we reference as
"Hobbit", just because it needed some unique-ish name, and I went to her bank
yesterday to effect a small status change.  Went right in barefoot, and said I
was there for the appointment I had with one of their agents.  Everything
proceeded fine.  The agent asked offhandedly about the "Hobbit" bit, and I
told her how it was a reference to me, acquiring the nickname over 40 years ago
*and* the fact that I don't wear shoes.  She had noticed my feet but hadn't
said a thing about it, but now since the topic had come up she was curious, I
explained why and pointed out the health benefits, and she seemed to agree
that not only did she sort of see it as a "Florida thing", more people might
be happier if they weren't trapped in shoes all day -- especially in office
type jobs where very few hazards exist.  I told her I'm fine with it in New
England too, and go hiking, snowfooting, etc ... she was kind of amazed, but
very positive about all of it.

Many years ago I had a branch manager at a different bank [which was Bank of
America, in fact] go absolutely *livid* at me for feet, yelling about signs
on the doors [which did not exist] and how it was so unsanitary yadda yadda.
Serious phobia at work.  I complained up the corporate chain, reached a fairly
sympathetic district manager above her, and for all I know she got fired.  But
I never went back to find out; it was just one of many triggering events that
caused me to bail completely out of BoA long since, good riddance.  When a
banking chain gets *way* too big to care, it's time to move on.

_H*

##


Date: Wed, 14 Sep 2022 07:42:25 -0500
To: [a couple of retirement-facility locals]
Subject: Available: puzzles

Hi -- seeing your meeting posts reminded me that I should contact you about
something my Mom mentioned.  Right now she is in a very delicate place,
actually in a *hospice* facility but it's unclear if she's quite to that point
yet.  She may recover and be able to return home, but with fulltime third-
party care.  I am here at the house for the *third* visit this year [yes, it's
a long-ass drive from Boston] and starting to organize things in the house
for disposal anyway, as she won't be able to use a lot of it anymore.

So she still has a whole lot of jigsaw puzzles, mostly 500 piece.  Would you
want any of them?  You could pop over any time, basically, and give them a
look-over.  I'd say call first to make sure I'm here, because I'll probably
be running a ton of errands over the next few days.

Mom obviously won't be on the Zooms for a while, and unclear if ever again,
since her ability to use the computer might be very limited going forward.
I've taken over her email for the moment, just to make sure something
important doesn't get missed, and will be shouldering all of the finances,
since if she never has to look at another number again she'll be that much
happier.  But this is going to be a slow process, and everyone up and down
the medical chain is telling me "one day at a time".

_H*

##
##  Upshot of that: they took all the puzzles, about 40 of them...
##


Date: Wed, 14 Sep 2022 09:08:01 -0500
From: [one of Mom's publishers and longtime craft-buddies]
Subject: RE: Hello

It is so good that you can be with your mom. I hope she is comfortable
enough to heal, as slowly as it may go.

I know that issues aren't always easily identifiable, and often a number of
problems overlap. My father went through years of issues, some clearcut and
others unexplainable. It can get to be a bit much with all kinds of testing
and even diagnoses that simply aren't accurate (stroke when it was ICU
delirium). Having an advocate is crucial for the patient, as I'm sure you
already know. One piece of advice regarding any brain issues is to play
music or sing (if not annoying to the patient). I pulled my dad out of
delirium using very simple abc, twinkle, twinkle songs. Everyone had written
him off and thought he had a stroke and might not speak or communicate well
again. Even the doctors were leaping to conclusions before getting a scan of
his brain. I googled my dad's symptoms and found delirium through the Mayo
site online. We proceeded on from there, and he was fine. As much as I trust
science and doctors, family members are there to observe more closely over
longer periods. Be as pushy as you need to be.

Taking those financial responsibilities off Mom's shoulders is a good idea.
Her contract states that the royalties shift to the heirs and assigns if the
author passes away. We're already sending you the checks, so I presume there
isn't anything to change in that regard either. However, let us know if so.

I'll pass along info to the others here re: your Mom's situation. I presume
that emailing you is the best way to be in touch with her as well?

Please send our best to her. We all admire her.

Take care,

##


Date: Thu, 15 Sep 2022 08:22:46 -0500
To: [said publisher/buddy]
Subject: Re: Hello

I've been here for 3 days, and it already feels like 2 weeks.  Such a whirlwind
of things to do...  It would be difficult to get Mom to sign off on stuff; I
tried with something from the bank yesterday and it was a bit of a disaster,
as her dexterity is really off and she's really weak from being in bed for
N days now ... the scrawl didn't look much like her usual bold cursive.

The logistics of receiving any billing in FL when I'm back home in Boston is
going to be a bit of a nightmare.  I'm going to have to make most things as
automatic as possible, direct-debit or whatever, maybe do a bunch of changes
to billing addresses ... and/or receive batches of stuff mailed up.  Aieeeee.

I have taken over Mom's email entirely for the moment, so emailing either
address would land in my Thunderbird client regardless!  I don't know if she
cares if there's a computer in her life or not going forward, I'll have to
wait and see.

So she seems to be pulling a recovery, becoming quite a bit more lucid over
the last couple of days, and continually expressing that she wants to get back
to her house.  But she needs to go through a bunch of eval and rehab first,
and may basically need 24x7 live-in care to be anything like safe in the
independent home setting.  Frankly I was expecting to arrive on this trip and
dive right into estate paperwork, the way everyone was talking on the phone
over last week ... but she's NOT an empty shell with no spark of Mom left, as
I expected to find; she is in fact still with us, albeit still a tad confused
about some things.

Those online reference sites are surprisingly good, and very searchable.  Every
time I look up something medical I wind up at webMD, Mayo, and a couple of
others that all seem to have the same info.  Great for looking up what all
the various pills Mom has are really supposed to do.

_H*